June 3, 2015 Brother in Law Love

Patty Wags ... or "Salty" as he called me ... and Bill

June 4th is a day that will be remembered forever as one of the saddest days of my life.  My brother in law Bill lost his battle with cancer.  I've never had the experience of being along side someone I loved so much in their final moments of life as it happened on this day in June. 

A hospital bed had been moved in to my sister's home to make Bill comfortable a few days earlier in the week and I was standing next to the bed trying to help him get comfortable when he started coughing and choking and struggling to breath.  From what I had heard I knew that these would be his final breaths, that his body was giving up and he was dying.  

I put my arm around him and started to stroke his head as he struggled and I told him I loved him.  I tried to hold him close to me as his body was lurching forward, as though he was trying to sit up.  I reached over and rubbed his shoulders, trying to console him, saying more words of love to him.  With all the strength and courage I could muster, I was talking to him, telling him it was going to be okay, that he didn't have to fight any more, that he could let go and not be in pain anymore.  With those words I fought back the tears...I didn't want to lose him - why was I encouraging him to "let go."  

Paige, my sister's 8 month pregnant daughter was in the house with me that morning.  And a family friend, Sister Brunie was there too.  Sister Brunie sat at the end of the bed keeping us company.  She generously brought food in a little earlier for all the friends and family that were stopping by.

These final moments lasted only about 2-3 minutes...but while they were happening they seemed like much longer.  With his final breath Bill's beautiful blue eyes opened wide and he was silent and he stopped moving and his head fell back.  That was the end of life for Bill.  And that was the end of a loving relationship I shared with my brother in law and friendship like no other that I have ever experienced.

There were any number of things to take care of with my sister in the days that followed.  We both were in a sort of cloud, going thru the motions, making decisions, planning his memorial service and trying to understand what had just happened. For me it didn't seem real.  It seemed like I was in a bad dream and that I would wake up and it all would be over and  none of it would have happened.

Bill and I shared many, many conversations over the years.  He would often call me while out on the road, as I would call him.  Car Talk.  That's what we did.  A lot.  Sometimes several times a week.  If I was having a bad day or upset or not feeling well, I always knew I could call him and talk with him.  Often he was my sounding board.  

When my phone would ring, I liked knowing if it was Bill calling - so I made a special ring tone for him on my phone.  It was iPhone's barking dog.  Bill was a dog lover and he had a couple of dogs over the years.  Jim the Beagle and Tracker, a Brittany.  The barking dog tone was so appropriate and fun!  Bill had nicknames for me...sometimes when I was busy and missed his call he'd leave me a voice message.  He'd say "Patty....Patty...where are you?  Ok, goodbye."   He also nicknamed me "Salty" - cause I loved the beach and we would talk about how much we enjoyed walking along the ocean.

As we were planning Bill's memorial service I thought I would be too emotional to speak.  I couldn't begin to even think about preparing anything to say.  Deep in my heart I knew I wanted to stand up and talk about him a little - but I was concerned about being too emotional.  The morning of the memorial I began to think about what I wanted to say about him.  It became clear to me that the message I wanted everyone to hear was about the kind of person Bill was, how he loved my sister and her family and cared for them for many years.  His dedication and commitment to them was unmatched.  He was forgiving, loyal, honest and generous.  When I thought of all these traits the popular poem about Love - that is mostly used in weddings - came to mind.

That is what I decided to base my comments around - those words that are found in the Bible about love.  He loved my sister Robin so unconditionally...if there was one thing that Bill knew and understood it was about what it took to be in a relationship and stay in it and not waiver.

So I prepared my words early that morning.  I wrote them out on notebook paper so I could read them because I knew it would be hard for me to talk without prompts.  I wrote and re-read and wrote again.  It wasn't hard, the words came easily.

There were a few others that spoke that day at the memorial service.  Robin had asked Sister Brunie, to manage the program.  Sister Brunie started to talk and her words were startling to me.  She also referred to the poem in the Bible and related the words in the Love Is poem to Bill and his personality and love for his wife and family.  As I listened to her talk I thought - wow - I'm going to be saying the same thing!  Nothing like someone "stealing my thunder!"  Now what will should I do?  Should I change what I'm going to say?  In just a few moments I was going to be called on next to talk.  I'm sitting in the reception room listening to her say some of the same things I was about to say about Bill.  And, I didn't even know Sister Brunie nor had I met her before this week!

Andrew and Nikki, Robin's son and daughter spoke next and talked about their love for Bill.  Then it was my turn.  I quickly decided to go forward with my prepared words.  I prefaced them by saying that I had never met Sister Brunie before this week and if there was anyone I could forgive for "stealing my thunder" - it was her.  Wasn't it interesting that the two of us didn't know each other - but we both knew Bill - and we both have similar words to share about him today? 

Here are the words that I read.  And I managed to get thru it without breaking down and sobbing - which is what I thought would happen.  I was pretty numb, still, from just two days before being with him and holding him while he took his final breaths.

From the day I met Bill, I knew that he was a very special, kind, loving, caring man.  Without hesitation he grew in love with my sister and cared for her three children as if they were his own.  

 Bill and I shared a special friendship.  As you know, he wasn't my brother in the true meaning of the    word.  However, from the beginning I loved him as a brother and believed he loved me as he would love a sister.  

As I was thinking about what I would say today I realized the most powerful thing I could say on Bill's behalf was to share with you my thoughts on how he lived his life and loved and cared for his family.  He was an expert in his field of carpet cleaning and mold remediation with people reaching out to him from near and far for advice and help.  I believe everyone knows that. 

But the most important thing that he knew, was how to love and what it took to love someone and be strong and dedicated to that love. 

Many of the pictures you see here today of Robin and Bill were pictures I took of them thru the years.  I never tired of capturing the love they had for each other or the love Bill had for his family.

I've known people in loving, caring and giving relationships.  Bill's love for Robin was among the greatest examples of love I have experienced.

On more than one occasion, I too, was the recipient of that care and love as Bill traveled to Illinois to help me when I needed it.

The following words are words many of us have heard.  I've taken a few of these words from the Bible that, for me, represent how Bill lived his life, loved his wife and loved and cared for their children.  Think about him as I read...

Bill was patient

Bill was kind

Bill did not envy

Bill did not boast

Bill was not proud

Bill did not dishonor others

Bill was not self seeking

Bill kept no record of wrongs

He did not delight in evil

Bill always protected

He always trusted

He always hoped

Bill persevered - we all have seen Bill's strength and courage in these final months of his life.  

Bill's love never failed...

Our lives have all been enriched by his love.  My sons Mike, Tim and Andrew and I will miss him dearly and be forever thankful for the times we've spent with him.

So, that's what I said.  I got thru it.  And I'm still trying to accept and understand all that has happened since he was diagnosed last October with stage four rectal cancer.  I'm so thankful I traveled to NJ in December, March, April, May and then June and I got to see him and talk to him and tell him how much I love him.

Just yesterday I was walking down the street in town and I could hear the iPhone dog bark ringtone.  I reached for my phone, realizing it was Bill calling.  Then I realized it wasn't my phone ringing at all...it was the person standing near me...and I was so sad as I realized he was gone and would never be calling me again.

Geez, I miss you Bill.